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Angelica

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[19 Jan 2005|07:27am]
i haven't studied at all and exams start friday. i wish i could throw up without giving up and before the hour passes. everyone thinks they are tough shit using huge vocabulary in their poems and short stories, the more obscure and the more we can't understand it, the better. i fucking hate that so much. i keep coming home miserable and don't start doing anything productive till around 830. and i wish people i knew that i give special and significant things to would alknowledge my existence at school. i just want to for the next two weeks do everything right and not feel like dissapearing every night. i have no self control and am irrational.

the water thing didn't work. fuck.

i am so old. i have no traces of a young person on my face or in my head.

anyway i hope the weekend is a little better. i am just so tired of hating myself it's driving me crazy.
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[13 Jan 2005|10:03pm]
MY BEST FRIEND JESSICA IS COMING TO NEW YORK FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND LIFE IS COLORFUL AND SOFT.
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[12 Jan 2005|04:48pm]
i love eating healthy and knowing i am reducing cancer risks, etc. buttt pancakes killl me. people tell me i am thin but i heard somewhere that if you are 5'4 a healthy body weight is 105 somewhere and if i keep eating correctly i can safely say that my height and weight fit perfectly with eachother. maybe i will do vups and other misc exercises but then again my back hurts really bad and the jetsons are coming on soooonnn..

ms balling made me feel special today when she said "you write soo well" i felt like kissing and hugging her forever and ever. i have to finish my creat. writing final paper and so far it is soo generic... a mix of 39753 twilight zone episodes but as long as i finish it on time i will be glad.

it turns out everyone here is into satan??

OHH yea.. CONAN!!!! yesterday was GREAT!!! i woke up at around 11, took a shower. then vicky came and we all went to ihop. it was delicious. then we came back here and the taxi man came and took us to the train station. longesst train ride everrr. anyway we got to the city and took the subway to the nbc studio andd waited on the line for two hourss or maybe less. i am not sure but it was WORTH IT! finnaly we get in.. greatt seats on the side but in perfect view of everywhere conan would be. MAX CAME OUT!! the band played a few songs. then CONANNN CAME OUT AND danced with this man. samuel l jackson was on and so was this lady from the er. and some reallllllly wierd/creepy canadian band. teka and sarah or something. anyway the show was hilarious and conan is so tall and thin and reminds me of a praying mantus. i had so much fun there. after the show we went to simply pasta and ate more food and then went to get the 8 04 train and slept most of the way. it was fantassic. the best line of the day "if you're gonna tell time like that you might as well look at the sun" ahahahhahahahahahahah =/

myy baccckkk. hurtes me and . i i want a chuck norris poster for my room.
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[11 Jan 2005|04:54pm]
new journal http://www.livejournal.com/users/elgel please add that and delete this, kthanxbye.

i mean i looov..........
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[11 Jan 2005|04:52pm]
new journal http://www.livejournal.com/users/elgel

once you add that one you can delete this one. i appreciate it anddd i i ll
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[10 Jan 2005|06:11pm]
okay at first i was going to make this entry about my day and some sad things that happened and how i felt all together right now but since conan is tomorrow and i can officially drive it seems right to make the best of that stuff anyway.

tomas and i are not friends anymore because we never really were friends as far as what a friend is ie. someone you can tell anything to, someone who cares about you, etc. so today we decided this and so no more complaining or fighting. i told him that i obviously think of him a lot more than he thinks of me and i am not going to do that anymore etc YEAA soo anywayy

CONAN TOMORROW! i thought ELVIS COSTELLo was going to be on tomorrow's show but he isn't. le sigh. samuel l jackson is though and some obscure band i haven't heard of. i am so psyched. i think i will just get all this homework done tonight so tomorrow night i am free to do whatever.

ohh yea i hung out with christyl this weekend. yesterday night we studied at her house and watched this vidio we made last summer with jen which was reallly funny. that was the night we had the blackout and i remember only good things about it. i mean when i think of it i am happy only i can't remember specifics.

the freshman girl i always see well i wish her and i were friends because she seem nice and unaware of different social groups and i like that a lot.

i am glad none of my friends are going to the prom because they don't make a big deal about me not going. you can't go home after the dance you have to get on a bus with everyone else, go to jillians and stay there until four in the morning. this is to ensure that no one drinks and drives. no one wants to be at a children's arcade till four in the morning so no one is going at all.

it feels really wierd typing with my index finger because i had a cut on it and hadn't used it in a while and now that i am i can't type right.

i am just going to try to be happy with myself again because if i don't things just seem a l lot worsee. and i love cats and my grandma.
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[07 Jan 2005|06:27pm]
tomas called me and told me he considers allie and katherine his favorite friends and that we wanted his strangers with candy dvd back and then proceeded to hang up the phone. all because i asked if i could invite a friend of mine out with us. biiiigg fucking deal. i hate that teenage drama bullshit.

anyway so christyl and i are going to go see finding neverland and talk about the months we weren't on top of eachother's lives. and then i will eat apple cider or maybe just go home and fall asleep.

this weekend is the city and study. then tuesday is conan, so things to look forward to. i saw brandon today because he came back to school to visit and i thought i was looking at an ax murderer or something. baddd memories. very unconfortable and inappropriate ones.

my cat got caught in a glue trap and she sticks to the floor when she walks.
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[05 Jan 2005|08:16pm]
so i finished my poem and i didn't feel like making it purposeful or deep or whateverrrr all these kids are doing these days. i wrote about a past dream and it is childish but i wish it would occur.


POLKA DOT HAT


polka
polka
polka dot hat,
flapping through the air
this way and that.
polka dot hat
please land on my head!
we’ll go to the opera
or eat rye bread in bed.
we can go to the zoo
we can go to the park,
we can go to ocean world
and feed the great white shark!
oh polka, my dear, my long lost friend,
we can dance, we can juggle
and play make pretend.
we can look at Jupiter through my telescope,
we can take a journey to the Cape of Good Hope.
with you on my head and the sun shining bright,
we’ll go to the beach and fly a green kite.
when the day is done and the nighttime draws near,
we’ll eat lollipops and sit on the pier.
scrabble we’ll play, abbreviations we’ll count,
then at the bank we’ll start a trust account.
everything I own will one day belong to you,
my shoes, my socks and my kangaroo.
polka, polka, polka dot hat,
I love you more than my angora cat.
if you leave me I’ll die of heartbreak I know,
or cut off my ear like Vincent Van Gogh.
my life has meaning because of you,
your cottony warmness, your dots so blue.
forever and ever you will always be
my very best friend, and a rare beauty.

nowww two english reports and bedtime.
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[05 Jan 2005|06:05pm]
i have a shitload of homework and i am too lazy to do it because a) i am very sleepy and b) tomorrow might be a snow day.

i have black and blues on both my knees, my elbow, my shin, and a few on my arms and i have no clue as to why this is. sure, they are fun to poke, but not fun to look at.

shoulder blades are so gross. i was feeling everyones at school and it was terrible. then someone asked me if i like to photo copy things and i said i am not exactly sure if i do.

ohhh i just remembered i have to write something for creative writing and i have know clue what to write. you can never write anything too negative because then the social worker will call you down to her office and ask you if you are going to do bodily harm to yourself over the weekend.i shall write about polka dot hats.

my parents think i am starving myself because i don't eat five meals a day like they do. it is very frustrating. my mom has these really cute sneakers that if i am mad at her for whatever reason, when i look at them i automatically forget about being angry.

i wish i could lay in bed watch annie hall while twenty inches of snow fall making school tomorrow not occur.

so i guess i will do homework. le sigh.
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[03 Jan 2005|04:59pm]
so i notice i am never interested in anyone romantically and everyone sees me as a friend and i like that idea a lot i just hope it is healthy? what do they call it? when you like absolutely nobody? i just have no interest in relationships further than that of a friendship. someone told me that it was because i am naive and am afraid of growing up, etc. but i disagree completely. i like/don't like getting older just like most of the population. i guess i just feel like that girl associated with no one in particular that you just assume is shy and uninteresting.

i got a 92 on my math test, it was amazing.

i am seeing conan next tuesday! with jm and victoria and that is what will make this school week a lot easier.

it's just that it is gray outside lately and no one says anything funny and everyone keeps quiet and i just feel nothing towards any of it.

the life aquatic soundtrack is amazinnnngggg. best ever.
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[28 Dec 2004|05:03pm]
i saw the life aquatic again. my new obsession. i wish i was a part of the steve zissou team. and i had a red hat and the matching pajamas. and that cool ring. my favorite today is definitely klaus.

i want to post a bunch of pictures but i have no clue as to how to do that. whenever i tried in the past they would never come up. do any of you know how?? and can tell me?? that would be wonderful.

i might go to ihop with christyl tonight but i am not sure. i sent out cds for nora and a long and interesting letter about the lack of acknowledgement for female songwriters/singers and kimya dawson, etc. i never really speak to her anymore and i hope she is okay and everything. she seems okay when i see her at school but so do i and that is not the case sometimes.

a lot of people i know don't like themselves and i am clueless as to why this is because i think they are beautiful and wonderful in all sorts of ways. it is hard to love yourself though. i wish everyone would learn to do that. and kids wouldn't give mean stares as i drive by them in the car. and batteries wouldn't die so quickly. and i could teach in alabama and they would ask me what it is like here and i would answer like no big deal. i am constantly going on tangents it seems. i already have all these great ideas for assignments for the kids when i do teach. fun ones. and i would be one of those teachers you love that give candy out on the day before vacation etc. anyway

i think i will start a new mix andd call someone and apologize.
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[26 Dec 2004|06:07pm]
ok the christmas gift list:

digital camera
photo printer
long sleeve adam-esque black and white striped shirt
roller coaster tycoon 3
CLOGS!
saddle shoes

gifts were awesome. alsoooo

THE LIFE AQUATIC IS JUST HALF A STEP AWAY FROM BEING AS AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL AS THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS. i laughed so hard throughout and i am sad it is over because i waited half a year to see it. my favorite line was "that pregnant slut was playing us like a cheap film" hahahahahahha

today jm madre and i saw a series of unfortuante events and it was mediocre. jm and i went to looney tunes to maybe buy some cds but the line was out the door.

my back is sore. being on break rocks hardcore. i sit on the floor in the living room and look at the lights and think about this. and when i fall asleep as night i think about the lack of responsibility i have been feeling and i sleep much better.

tomorrow i think i am either going to catherine or tom's house to exchange gifts and watch shawn of the dead. i am so excited to see what tom got me because he gives suspenseful hints. i will bring digi with me.

i love life sooooo much at this moment because i just do.
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[23 Dec 2004|09:44am]
things i hate about myself: i care too much, i am mean to everyone i encounter, i don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt, i would rather not meet anyone new or start any relationships with anyone because i think everyone is the same and i will end up hating them/regreting meeting/being with them, i look at the world and the cars and the blinking lights and i hear all this noise and see how ugly everything is/has become and feel no need to bother getting over this/accepting this, christmas is a day a way and i am going on tangents about things i hate/bad aspects of my life, i am completely independent, i can see right through people, i think way too much, i am sure there is more.


things i love about myself: i can see right through people, i remember all names/birthdays/interests/odds and ends, i will give away anything to anyone, i am a free agent as far as friend groups/reputations are concerned, i don't bother with conversations pertaining to lip gloss and the football team, i try really hard in school and it pays off, i notice things, i love animals to no end and they love me too.

it makes me sad that the first list is longer. today is sedgewick's first birthday (one year since i saved him from the clutches of evil (the biology classes at school)) i remembered this last night. so tomorrow i will get him new things for his house and sing and dance for him.

my mom is sad and i know she has a lot she doesn't tell me and that is okay i just wish i could make her happier and sop being so mean to her. i am mean to everyone and i realize this and will try to fix it.

i hate admitting this but i am nice to people here so they like me and want to be my friend and they themselves are not friend material and i have to stop and stand up for myself more often. one of my biggest weaknesses.

it's christmas break i want to appreciate that.

listening to the decemberists and azure ray in the car when it is raining tremendously is the only time besides in my bed that i can really enjoy it. that can be said for any of the music i have been listening to. it has to be the right time and place for any of it.
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[20 Dec 2004|08:00am]
snow day, but!

i went to school this morning because the roads were fine and the snow was barely there and everyone else had school like kayla etc. butt i get there and there are no other cars or people for that matter. sucks! got a bagel on the way home though =D and had a conversation with an older gentlemen about weather and the like.

jm and i baked delicious brownies and played junior scrabble and watched the jetsons. the best words were irs, fu, nah, tvboy and galbar.

can't wait till tomorrow is ovvverr. eleven days of non stop happiness and THE LIFE AQUATIC!!!!!!!!! ohhh man

i've been moody and it makes me sad that i treat people badly sometimes. i cannot hide in my room and listen to elliott because then i yell at everyone and say mean things. OHHHH i loooveee this: put your bitch claws back in your pocket hahahahaha

i guess right now i am happy and can't think of substantial things to write besides these minor details. i wonder what songs are on the life aquatic soundtrack. annyway being off from school is the best feeling in the world.
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[18 Dec 2004|02:13am]
DREAMY DAY OF DAY DREAMING


You're my muse you're my silly goose and every day is a dreamy day of daydreaming of you. You're my one you're my honey bun and every day is a dreamy day of daydreaming of you. I can dream of you without snoring and I'm lucky that that's true. Because everyone would know that I found them boring simply because they're not you. All I want to do is lay in the daisies and daydream of you know who I'm referring to...you. You're my love you're my star above And everyday is a dreamy day of daydreaming of you

hmm i am just sitting here thinking sort of. i started a new notebook and filled in some things i wrote during school last week when i had that very terrible day. the first page is unicorns inspired with my favorite things. minus it being my birthday. sdhfskdhfsdf

i am recovering from sickness, want to go outside though. no one to play with. i think during the weekened everyone dissapears or hibernates or something =(

i have been listening to of montreal, bearsuit and the locust. and doing math problems on the couch. and eating insane numbers of carrots.

jm wants a-f merch and i want gummo on dvd or the black shirt with andromeda and a few other galaxies on it.

earth club is way fun. we have enough members now. we talk about all sorts of things.

my bed makes me sick because i was sleeping in it all day yesterday.

i feel light headed and don't know what to do.

i love birds a lot. the red ones.
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[15 Dec 2004|09:42pm]
so today was bonnie's birthday so it was a national holiday meaning no school meaning massive city adventure.

it was pretty cool. FREEZING THOUGH.. we first got student rush tickets for movin out, then subway to little italy and ate fine italian cuisine. then ferarras for dessert =D uhh then we took subway back to broadway for movin out. it was okay.. if you like billy joel. it was basically a billy joel concert.. with dancing. butt i guess i liked it a little? the ride home was unbearaaable.. bonnie's mom was in the city working so she brought us home.. watched elf in the car.. what's up with THAT? tv in the car? made me reallly dizzy and sick. i got home a few hours ago and did homework and such. gonna go to bed in a bit.

tomorrow is earth club and more people better come. six people in the entire school came last time.. what the fuck?? EARTH CLUB! makes noo sense to me. there had better be half the school there tomorrow or else i will get very upset.

i like how bridges look at night time.

can't wait till xmas breakk.. new years break.. twilight zone marathon.. indiana jones.. chinese takeout.. all that stuff we always do that i love.

my eyes hurt and i am sleeeppy.
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[08 Dec 2004|07:03pm]
i always regret those types of entries.

i have been listening to some wonderful music lately and i wish i could share it with the whole world. i wish i could share it with the boy who sits next to me in study hall. i wish i could play "nobody's hippie" for that girl i saw exercising.

i am a little dizzy. i have math homework to do. it is dark and there are stars on top of the house tonight, i just wish it wasn't so freezing.

pip came by and i petted him on the head. he rolled around for me and jumped over a fence. i hope he is somewhere warm and safe.

i think i am going to the city all weekend, saturday with my mom, sunday with jeanmarie. or else i am making cookies at this girl jessica's house.

i need a new notebook because i feel like i could write beautiful things lately.

the relationships i have here are kind of falling apart but i have my dreams and my music so i am okay for now i think.

i have a few things to do before i go to bed. last night i watched game of death and i laughed a lot. bruce lee always gets me in a good mood.
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[06 Dec 2004|06:02pm]
i was not doing so well and then you had to bring that up in the back seat of the car and all of a sudden it got very warm and i sort of felt like crying and wanted to stab you and maybe kill you because you should know how i am and i don't like talking about those things and then i remembered my mom all of these years and drunken stupors and falling asleep on that girls couch and the devil on the wall and realizing that i don't have a special friend that i can tell things to and cry in front of and admit all of my flaws and the things that i have seen and been apart of and my mother tries so hard and wishes she was a little girl in manhattan again and eating rock candy and it makes me cry so hard because people say things and don't realize how much she loves her daughters and her father and i am here alone again thinking about how i am not angelica i am her or the one over there and just all of those sorts of things and my best friend being bones and sitting in the car waiting and all the lights being blurry and i am so fucking tired of these fake lights i just want that big open space and those millions of stars fresh air and maybe that special friend next to me knowing yes i am alive and away from all of those things i hate and all of those people that dont understand me and i know that they will never and i am not angry that i am flucuatiing my mood i think this one will stay for a long time because no matter what i always go back to realizing that all of the things i make pretend i love and that make me happy arent really there. and i miss u so much i am so lost without you because there is no one in the world who can make me feel like i am something and that i am important in their life. so many things are falling on top of me and i want to fall asleep and wake up somewhere new but somewhere i have dreamnt of being for a long time now. with a special friend because i need one so badly my head is pounding so badly no one can see this all forming inside of me i need another pair of penetrating eyes and to watch the sky and not have any buildings in the way or steet lights or smoke from cars just clean cold air and venus and my special friend. i dream of you and i wish i had you but i don't and i need you so much right now. a special friend i can tell everything to or tell nothing to and you won't bring up things that make me cry or anything like that. i just want to find you or else i am going to lose sight of everything and become so hollow and indifferent towards everything and my face will become hard and mean please don't become hard and maybe you are trying to find me as well i dont know i am just so tired and need some sleep.
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[28 Nov 2004|10:03pm]
anotherr update!

today i saw christmas with the kranks with my mother and i am glad she atleast liked it. saw ashley biddy which was nice and i whispered screaming ASHLEY! and she said heyyy!

i woke up and it was raining so hard and i was warm under 5 blankets and i wish it was that time now.

i also cleaned my room somewhat.. copied cds for dyan jessica kim and nora all different ones for each because they all have different musical tastes i think? i don't know so well. i finally wrote jessica the kind of letter i have wanted to for a while with updates on myself etc.

i wish karate kid was on.

i am trying to come to terms with all these misc. things or atleast i am telling myself that i am. i love my grandma.

gnite
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[27 Nov 2004|06:27pm]
haha this is from halloween night

http://www.freewebs.com/gowaitinthecar/halloween.GIF

i don't know how that got on my computer but i didn't upload it.

thrifting = faded jean jacket

man i have nada to say tonight.

gonna catch up on some school work i guess! or watch MORTAL COMBAT!
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